Could I have done more for Grandmama?

It has been more than 25 years since my grandmother died.  I still think of her often.  I remember visiting her when I was really little, helping her snap peas on the back porch while singing KKKKatie.   She kept an immaculate house.  Their realtor, when my grandparents sold their little house in Newnan, GA, said she'd never seen such a clean attic.  Who cleans their attic?!

My grandparents moved to Venice, FL, for their winter years, to be close to Grandaddy's brothers and their wives.  They moved into a lovely double-wide trailer in a retirement trailer park off of Nokomis Ave., close to the citrus packing store.  I think the street was Jacaranda.  They spent many leisurely years going to "hamburgers" at the club house and to dinner with the brothers and sisters-in-law at the Picadilly Cafeteria.  I visited often as a teenager, feeling a little funny as the only one at the pool under 80.

When Grandaddy died, my husband and I moved Grandmama to Orlando, where we lived.  She was "crippled up" with rheumatoid arthritis and couldn't really do her housework anymore.  We moved her into a 3-story ALF on Delaney Ave.  We had a little girl not quite 2 years old at the time and lived in a little house in Delaney Park 5 or 6 blocks away.

Grandmama lived in several ALFs and a nursing home during her time in Orlando.  She was never happy in any of them.  She wouldn't have been happy living with us either.  She should have stayed in her own home.  If I had it to do again, I would have hired help for her in her home.  She would have been difficult to please, but she would have been so much happier.

Sometimes, I ask her to forgive me for making the wrong choices about her life.  I was very young and trying my best to be a good granddaughter, daughter, sister, wife, and mother - lots of roles for a 27-year-old.  I would have made different choices now.  I would have done everything I could to allow her to stay at home, where she was comfortable and had wonderful memories.

Don't Leave Me Stuck in the Tub!

I used to belong to a group of mothers who got together weekly to study a book, pray for one another, and share life's challenges and triumphs.  My Manna for Mothers group carried me through many trials.  A newstory in the paper caught our attention one week, and prompted us to make a group pledge.  An elderly woman, taking a bath at home alone, managed to get her big toe stuck in the tub faucet.  At first, that makes you giggle.  Who does that?!  The story quickly turned tragic and frightening.  That old woman was stuck in her tub for a very long time.  She lived alone.  Eventually, people missed her and came, with the fire department, to see about her.  I'm sure her gratefulness overcame her embarrassment, and she lived to tell the tale of her misadventure in the tub.

The moral of this story for me was very clear, and it had nothing to do with not sticking my toe in the faucet.  I looked at all the faces around the circle of mothers, and I told them, "Do not let me be that woman!"  If I'm ever a no-show at some event, I suddenly go missing, or I neglect an obligation, don't assume that I've got other plans or have become rude and forgetful in my old age.  COME SEE ABOUT ME!  I also promised them that I would do the same.

Whatever circle of friends you have, be willing to be there for them, and let them be there for you.

Here's the article that made me remember that promise from many, many years ago.

No Spouse, No Kids, No Caregiver: How to Prepare to Age Alone

Thank you for allowing us to help!

In the last 2 weeks, I spent some time with a family as a caregiver.  They needed some help organizing and cleaning.  For a couple of days, I worked along side them, and one day, I was there just in case the gentleman needed help.  What a privilege it was getting to know these wonderful people!

Sometimes, your time is best spent just being with people.  I thank them for inviting me into their home to make their world just a bit easier.  I also thank their cats!